a mirror moment

I am truly thankful to be able to send Little Guy to a school where he can be supported by specially trained professionals. Yes, we definitely traded up when we replaced public school with Little Guy's school. This trade is not without its costs, though, and I'm not just talking about the finance-straining tuition. I am particularly aware of those other trade offs as we head into the start of a new school year. As children everywhere prepare for their first day of school, as we head towards Little Guy's first day of kindergarten.

Do I even need to say that it is not the first day of kinder I had planned for him? Let's be honest here – this first day of school business is a bitter pill for me to swallow. Not nearly as bitter as sending him virtually unsupported into public special education, don't get me wrong. Yet, all around me I see other parents prepare to start their children off in regular school and I know that that prototypical first day of school is not meant to be for my family.  Not this year anyways.

About a week ago I sat across from my teenage niece. She is a beautiful young lady with many lovely qualities, but as I sat across from her it was all I could do not to slap her say less than kind things to her. Why? Well, it had to do with some of the less attractive qualities that so often go hand in hand with teenagers. Words like “spoiled” and “ungrateful” come to mind. You see, my darling niece was alternating between being royally pissed off and being despondent because she couldn't have x. My sister was off somewhere quietly weeping, overwhelmed with guilt and feeling like a terrible parent because she simply could not provide my niece with the x she so badly wanted.

So there I was, trying to talk my niece out of her pity party. I thought, “What an ungrateful, spoiled brat you are. Your mother is doing everything, everything, she can just to give you what you have. Do you not see how hard she works? Do you not realize that she would joyfully give you what you wanted if she could? How dare you cry about how terrible your life is! You have a family that loves you, a safe home to live in and food on the table. You don't live like a Rockefellar, nor even like many of your friends, but you have so much to be thankful for and yet to you it is nothing. Spoiled. Little. Brat.” I said none of that, of course.  I spoke carefully chosen words selected to persuade and not inflame.

Time passed.  I cooled off and tried to remember that I liked my niece. I reminded myself that once, what feels like eons ago, I had been a teenage girl. A spoiled, ungrateful teenage girl who had taken her own turn making her mom cry. I could distantly remember that girls feelings of entitlement and bitter rage that life hadn't handed her more.

It felt startling familiar.  I realized that I have not yet entirely stopped being that spoiled, entitled girl. It might not be over something as inconsequential as a dress or a cell phone, but I have been quietly and privately enjoying an ungrateful little pout – a pout that my son is autistic. I have a wonderful husband and two adorable sons that I could not love more. Our family has a roof over our heads and food on the table, but I have been pouting because others have something different.   I will not say something more, because even in my worst pout I do not imagine my son as less. But something different, yes, and dare I say it --something easier. Poor me.

So what was that I said to my teenage niece? Something about how plenty of others have it so much worse. It is certainly true for my family. My son is high-functioning and everyday at his school I see families with much greater struggles. Beyond that, I am blessed to have children at all. I know couples that were not able to conceive, that would have gladly taken any kind of child God gave them. No, I would not trade my Little Guy for anything or anyone. So really, what is a regular first day of school? Big deal. I have the most two amazing boys in the world. It makes perfect sense that ordinary doesn't suit them.

Thank you to my dear niece for reminding me how unbecoming self pity really is.  I guess we all need help snapping out of it sometimes.

how a simple scarf becomes an emotional journey

My stepmom and I have not always had the best relationship.  She has been in my family picture pretty much since always and was an active participant in the acrimony between my parents during childhood.

The thing is, and this is a big thing, at some point everybody grew up quite a bit.  One day I looked at my stepmother and I could see she was not a stepmonster, not anymore, and perhaps never had been.  I looked at her and I could see a lady who despite an often cool facade has a very kind heart.

Last Fall I began to learn knitting and was assigned the project of making a striped scarf.  I decided, almost reluctantly, to give it to my stepmom.  I could make it in my brother's football colors and she could wear it to his freezing cold games.  At first I wasn't sure that I wanted her to have the first thing I ever knit, or if I should reserve that for my mom, a knitter herself.  The more I thought about it, however,  the more I liked the gesture of it - that it was a way to show something that I had not said.

So I worked on the scarf.  And worked on it.  And messed it up and unraveled it and started anew.  And didn't like it so started anew again. And in between stuff happened and I really just did not have time to sit and knit.  Still every single time I worked on it I thought of her, and I thought of her with love.  I knew I was doing something good.  Almost a year later I finally completed my project and it was something I could be proud of.

I drafted a letter to accompany it. Ultimately I took out all the "I forgive you for the past" stuff and left simple words of kindness: I treasured her and was so glad she was part of my family.  I realized that in the decades that this woman has been my stepmother I had never said anything like that to her.

It's so easy to take for granted that others understand how you feel.  I'm glad that I, for once, made it crystal clear.  Did my stepmom deserve harsh words spoken in distant years past?  Probably.  But the stepmom I have today was long overdue to receive these kind words and I am so glad I gave them to her.

Today my sister had to turn in her letter to the judge for his consideration in sentencing the murderer of her dear friend. I just read a draft of it and have been once again moved to tears.

One of the most horrible things about this situation is the bottomlessness to it. It seems like my sister just moves through one part to the next. Sometimes it easier but then the next part is the hardest yet.

The way the justice part of this drags on makes it far from easy. It's been two and half years and there is still ongoing court time for it. Still testimony. Still being forced to think about and relive the very darkest of times. And as long as it's in the courts still she is sealed to silence outside of the courts.

So she can't talk about it outside of court, but she is forced to think and talk about it for court. How is she supposed to heal, to move on? I hope and pray that this is finally the end of the justice part of this.

the bottom stretch

I cannot believe it's the 3rd trimester already. I cannot believe that the time until Babytwo gets here is now measured in weeks. I cannot believe that Babytwo is so big now that he exceeds the paper ruler I'd been marking his length on.

I'm kind of sad that this pregnancy, probably my last, is winding down.
I'm anxious to hold my Babytwo and see him for the first time.
I'm a bit scared of the stresses and challenges ahead of us.
I can't wait to see Hubby hold his newborn son, to watch Little Guy grow into his job of big brother.

It's all so very very soon! :)

a new year update

The holidays
It was great seeing everyone for Christmas, being in old familiar places, and seeing sunshine and blue skies again. The price of all this was a whole lot of driving thanks to our airport shutting down all flights. Little Guy handled all the car time (14-15 hrs each way) better than I would have ever dreamed but the drive home was really, really rough. Portable DVD players are worth their weight in gold. And in the most desperate of times, in the darkest of hours, mini chocolate donuts can really make a toddler a much happier person.

The pregnancy
As recently as our drive home I was puking on the side of the road in the freezing cold (needed to stay awake so no nausea meds) but I am doing much better now. I've been off nausea meds for 5 days now and I think I'm going to make it this time. I'm a lot more energetic in my waking hours without the meds, thats for sure. Sleeping is getting rougher and I miss being able to lay on my back. A lot. But I'm managing!

The baby
We had some ultrasound findings that while statistically are probably nothing, still have to be checked out so we will be visiting a perinatologist in a few weeks. In the meantime I'm trying not to worry and to be reassured by the stats. Also we're trying to agree on a name for BabyTwo. I feel we're not far off, but who knows? He's been kicking a lot and hubby finally got to catch some good ones the other day.

The big brother
He really enjoyed seeing everyone at Christmas, too. He remembered exactly where his grandparents kept all the good stuff thats the most fun to get into. He's been especially clingy with me lately. On the one hand it's very sweet and warms my heart. On the other hand I want to foster more independence now so it doesn't sting so much when the baby comes. I love my cuddle time with him and don't want to lose it, but he simply will not be able to sit on my lap or be held all the time once BabyTwo arrives.

The Hubby
He recently found 2 of his 3 tackle boxes that have been missing since the move. His dad also sent him home with a zodiac boat and is currently repairing a motor for it. Now if his favorite fishing spot would open back up he'd be set!

being a child of divorce never gets fun

it's always been hard dividing up the holidays without hurting someone's feelings. now that i'm married and there's more beloved and wonderful family it's even harder. thankfully despite my enormous levels of stress about it all parties involved have acted magnanimous and flexible. i've made every effort i can to be fair (if you could see my spreadsheet you'd know). i just hope everyone really is ok with our division of time. sigh.

a study in grandmas, part 1

In her day, Grandma E. was the epitome of a stellar housewife. She could cook a mean roast, bake from scratch the tastiest of pies and keep the house nothing less than the sparkliest of cleans.

Grandma E. is salt of the earth. She has been hardened by life and is inclined to be doubtful. My father says of her, his mother: "She can find the cloud in any silver lining."

This sign has hung in my grandma's kitchen my entire life, probably longer:

Yesterday is but a dream
Tomorrow is just a vision
but Today was a real bitch

My Grandma E. will never forget things my stepmother did when my sister and I were children, and she will never forgive her -- even if my sister and I have. I love her a little bit more for that.

The years will fall off my Grandma E. when she talks about arriving in California with her mother when she was sixteen, all their possessions from Arkansas fit into a single suitcase.

My Grandma E. lost beloved children - through miscarriages, stillbirth and car accident.

On top of keeping that stellar household, she worked as accountant managing the books for my grandfather's business. She went back to school as an adult and earned an Associates degree with honors.

Grandma E. is an avid reader and the loss of her sight pains her greatly.

My 3 words to describe Grandma E. are strong, perceptive and loving.

control issues

when people you love make decisions you absolutely hate...on a regular basis. and you wonder why, for the love of all that's holy, they can't just listen to reason (i.e., you) and do the right thing (i.e., what you want them to do).

And you also wonder if they absolutely must be their own person and do what *they* want, can't they at least stop trying to talk to you about it? You think they're being (silly/frivolous/impulsive/an idiot), and you've already told them that in the politest way possible.

um, oops

Last night I sent my sister an email asking her to "stick her hand in the hornets nest" and deal with our extended family about some Christmas stuff because I really didn't want to have to deal with the drama this year. Except when I hit send, it turns out the email went out not to her but to the entire family instead. See, it was originally a draft of a message to send out to everyone and while I thought I had deleted them all from the 'To:' box, I really hadn't.

I think they heard me in Russia when I yelled "Shit!"

i can reveal this without guilt now...

Woo-hoo!

on mommies

how is it that grown women, who are even mommies themselves, can still act like spoiled teenage brats if left with their own mommy long enough? or is it just my own beloved mother that drives me batty and bratty?

Liberty and Justice for All

On Friday August 1st my favorite aunt and her partner of 10+ years were legally married in a private ceremony. On Saturday they held a reception which Little Guy and I attended (Hubby had to work). It was quite a day.

It was a day to celebrate the love my Aunt B and Aunt S have found with each other. To acknowledge how special they each are and how happy we all are for them. They have been a unit for many years now but without the wedding there really hasn't been an occasion to do these very significant things.

I can only imagine the difficult road they each faced, just in coming to terms with who they are. I can only imagine the bravery it must have taken to be honest with the world and with their families. In spite of it all they avoided anger and bitterness and became good people who found love with each other.

I am just so freaking happy for them.

my little brother, aka all-star MVP

My little brothers are ridiculously talented jocks. It's no big surprise -- their parents are very into sports. Not just watching but playing, too. All of my half siblings have grown up (or are still growing up) in Sports Land. TV watching is frowned on. Getting outside and playing is encouraged. Pretty much every day of the year the whole family is busy with either practices (Dad coaches and Step Mom is "Team Mother") or with games. The sports talent didn't limit itself to the boys, either; my lis sis was an outstanding soccer player in her day, too.

If you know me, you know I could give a rat's ass about sports. (It's fun to type phrases like that since I'm not allowed to say them in front of little ears anymore). But I love my brothers and so through the ages I have sat through the occasional football/baseball/basketball games and proudly cheered them on.

The older of my younger brothers was selected for the All Star team and had his big game Saturday night. I wasn't able to attend but from all accounts it was more outstanding footballing by lil bro - he played all 4 quarters and rec'd MVP. What an awesome way to end his high school football career.

So cheers to my little brother! I may not give a rat's ass about football, but I do care about whats important to him.

the moving blues

Our California days are dwindling. There is so little time left here and so much left that we want and have to do.

The surveyor just left our house, and left me knowing that the days of this house being home are numbered. This house where Hubby made me dinner on one of our first dates. Where we brought our son home from the hospital to. Where we had bbqs and parties, and so many many happy memories.

And while I'm having this blue moment, let me mention that when I took my niece and nephew to the train station yesterday I was in such a hurry to get them boarded that I sent them off without even hugging them goodbye. L-A-M-E.

the country wedding of the century

a funny story. dear hubby's cousin is getting married, and he asked dear hubby to be the best man. as the wedding plans developed i laughed and laughed and laughed. dear hubby gets to wear wranglers, boots and a cowboy tie. a nice hat was banned at the last moment since the wedding is inside a church. ha hahaha.

but the big guy upstairs heard me. (not hard since i was sharing the joke with many people) and he had a message for me: it's not nice to laugh at your husband when he's doing something nice for family.

so guess who got asked at the last moment to be a bridesmaid in the country wedding of the century...

luckily i can still laugh about it. because my dress actually isn't that bad. but dear hubby in wranglers is going to be so.freaking.awesome. it's totally worth whatever bridesmaid sufferings i might have.

halfway around the world right now...

my sister-in-law is in about her 80th day of labor. here's hoping little Audrey makes her grand entrance soon!

i can't wrap my mind around it

all of the sudden my little niece looks like a young woman.

she curses, wears more make up than me and since she just grew 4 inches is now taller and thinner than me.

i have also just realized how screwed i was not to get the tall gene that my 4 other siblings got. without changing her eating habits at all my dear little niece has just dropped 3 sizes.

in conclusion, i need to grow 4 inches taller.

also...i am old.