the other half of my heart

I've dedicated the lion's share of my writing here to discussing my Little Guy, and there is good reason for that.  The challenges presented by having a special needs child sometimes compel me to drink write.  I'd like to think I don't just blog to whine, but the truth is that when the good times are rolling I'm far less likely to take the time to write.

Today it is neither my special needs son nor whining that is burning on my mind -- it is my youngest son, heretofore referred to as "Baby Boy".  He is 3 now and insistent that he is neither a baby nor a little boy, but in fact a big boy.  I'm going to let him win this one - "Big Boy" he is now.

Earlier this week I picked Big Boy up from preschool.  His teacher dismissed him and he emerged from his classroom like a miniature man in jeans and a little backpack.  It hit me, and hit me hard, how quickly his childhood is passing, like sand slipping through my fingers.  I feel like we somehow haven't been doing enough.  That is one of the beauties of preschool though -- preschool is in many ways a celebration of being little and enjoying all the things that at that age inspire wonder.  I am so thankful that Big Boy gets to be a part of that celebration, and that he has this time away from home when he is Big Boy first and not a little brother.  He gets to be a shining star, all on his own and it suits him well.

a new day

It's Sunday morning and we just returned from a trip to the store. And I don't have PTSD from it. Same kiddos, same reluctance to leave the toys at home. Yet today's trip was met with acceptance if not pleasure. There was little argument and at the store Little Guy stayed calmly in tow, waiting with near perfect patience while I searched the shelves, even allowing me a moments peace to weigh my options. He asked me very nicely, "5 more minutes?" and only tried to drive the shopping cart off with Baby Boy once when my selection process stretched too long. He walked right by toys I know he would love to possess without pestering me once to get them. At check out he greeted our cashier with "Nice mustache!" and responded sociably to small talk. The only melt down the whole time was a small one from Baby Boy, who feels it is a great injustice that Big Brother gets to walk in stores while he must ride in the cart. The cherry on top of this nice trip -- listening to another mom one aisle over come completely unglued screaming at her kids to behave. "That is not how you behave!" and "Because I said so" were generously verbalized. Don't get me wrong, I feel for that stressed out mom. But THANK you, universe, for both letting someone else have a turn and for showing me I am not alone in my store drama issues.

my lap baby

One of the many things that I am thankful for in this beautiful life is the time that my Baby Boy spends on my lap every day. For one, even though Baby Boy is approaching 2 he still takes three bottles a day and each and every one of them is on my lap. Additionally, my sweet Baby Boy is not a morning person. I'm pretty confident that later in life he's going to be a big coffee drinker. In the meantime he wakes up unhappy and only one thing is sure to appease him - that's right, my lap. I sit on the end of the couch and he lays back against the soft cushion of the sofa's arm with his length cuddled against me.

When Little Guy was this age I'm pretty sure lap time was a dwindled thing. He could hold bottles on his own laying on a pillow and I could go do something productive so I often did just that. But not my Baby Boy. He has always been a difficult one to feed. To this day he won't take a bottle from anyone else except Hubby, and then only about 1/2 the time. He will hold his own bottles, but if I set him down he simply will stop drinking his bottle and want up. So me and my lap are a happy necessity.

Now at almost 2, we really need to start phasing out bottles. And we will, although that is a little sad for me. I must be Strong Mommy and put his dental health first! Oh, well...at least I'll still have my wake up cuddles!

Party of 4

I can't write about just one of my baby boys' arrivals, now can I?

Little Guy had been a c-section, so Baby Boy's story starts off with a decision: VBAC or not to VBAC? Some people who end up having c-sections feel robbed of a natural birth experience but I am not one of them --I never felt a burning desire to try for a VBAC. Aside from which, my doctor and his 30 years of baby delivering experience had said that the likely culprit for my first c-section was the size of my pelvis. My anatomy hadn't changed since the first baby so I wasn't optimistic there would be a different result the second time around. Additionally, I had a friend who had tried for a VBAC and ended up having a c-section. She told me how much she regretted even trying for a VBAC in retrospect - how it just added anguish, exhaustion and recovery time to the inevitable for her. I didn't want to make the same mistake.

So a scheduled c-section it was to be then. One of the perks of this was that we had the luxury of picking Baby Boy's birth day. We were given a few days to pick from in the correct time period and we selected 5/4/9. The tipping factor for me -- it's a mathematically correct date! Hubby requested leave from work and my mom bought her plane ticket.

One month before the scheduled c-section Hubby's best friend flew up for a visit. The day of his arrival I ran around doing last minute preparations and in my haste I slipped going down the stairs in our house and fell on my back. My doctor sent me to the hospital to be checked and once there I started having regular contractions and earned myself an overnight stay in the hospital. I remember thinking -- well, if Baby Boy comes today his birthday will still be mathematically correct -- it was 4/5/9. By morning the contractions had stopped, though, and I was discharged.

My mom flew up a week before the c-section. We went on a trip to the zoo while Hubby was at work, but other than that I was all business. With my mom there to watch Little Guy I was finally able to finish getting everything ready for Baby Boy and for the other impending company. My mom kept telling me to sit down and rest but I had too much to do and hardly any time to do it.

On Monday May 4th we checked into the hospital at 9am. This hospital was much nicer than where I had Little Guy, and our room was enormous. I changed into a hospital gown, Hubby changed into scrubs, we signed some paperwork and before I knew it the time had come to go to surgery. That was a shock for Hubby and I - how quickly it was go time. I guess on some level we'd been expecting a long wait since with Little Guy we were at the hospital 23 hrs before I went to c-section.

I walked into the operating room and sat down on the operating table. The spinal sedation was administered (no ringing phones this time) and everything was calmly and methodically being set up around me. Hubby was again right at my side and we were both anxious and excited. My anesthesiologist was a lady this time, and she helped pass our idle time by showing us pictures of her dogs on her cell phone. My doctor and another performed the surgery. The other doctor commented on how thin I had become, how my belly was all baby. (7 months of morning sickness will do that to you!)

The surgery got started and both doctors noted how nicely my last c-section had been done and asked who had performed it. When the time came to remove Baby Boy he did not want to come out. He was up under my rib and I was jerked around on the table while they worked to get him out. But out he came! Like before he went to Hubby first who brought him for me to see. Amazing! Then, like before, off went Hubby and baby while my surgery proceeded. I think I remained conscious this time, though, since I vaguely remember waiting while they worked.

This time I was reunited with my baby much faster, and Hubby and I had some time alone with him. Later in the afternoon my mom brought Little Guy down and we were together as a family for the first time. It wasn't quite ideal -- Little Guy did not want to have anything to do with Baby Boy and wouldn't even look at him! Little Guy just wasn't prepared for the expansion. He focused very hard on his toys and tried to pretend Baby wasn't there. A few days at home together brought Little Guy around, but in the beginning he just wasn't into it!

We were now a family of 4. There would be challenges ahead but our hearts were filled with joy and love.

oh spring

Spring has been a busy time for us. Little Guy now attends a second preschool program, a special ed program in another town that includes therapeutic time for working on his language delay. He still attends regular preschool and also weekly speech therapy. He is making great progress and he is always excited to go to preschool and speech therapy.

Baby Boy had his first birthday and a fun party. What can I say? He's adorable and healthy and happy. Walking will be soon. He pushes toys across the room walking, wheelie things that hurt his balance more than help it. He is just beginning to get brave the last few days -- standing independently and taking a single step before dropping down to crawl.

the new days dawn

Baby Boy is 9 months old now and the baby days are dwindling. No longer does he lay in my arms, cushioned on a boppy, to dine in peaceful bliss. Now he sits on my lap cuddled against me to gulp down a bottle. We managed to eek nursing out to 9 months just by the skin of our teeth with nursing limited to bed time and night time feedings. As the 9 month milestone dawned it was a push to even get that in. Baby Boy is just done with it and who can blame him? So much work for so little when he's now used to the bottle. It finally has reached that critical point where there's simply not anything I can do anymore, and while it is somewhat sad it is also a relief. Now I can really and truly put it out of my mind.

I am sad to see the end of baby days. The knowledge that this is our last child is never far from my mind when I consider Baby Boy's development. Part of me wants another baby very much, but part of me also realizes the insanity of it. I can't go on having babies forever and ever. The end comes eventually, and logically for a lot of different reasons this is a good time to stop. And before I feel too sad about no more babies, I remind myself how lucky I am to have had 2 babies. We have close friends with very imposing fertility challenges and they would trade much to be blessed with even one baby.

I am so happy about the days ahead and where Baby Boy is now. For one thing, he's almost entirely out of our bed! YAY! In the end that transition was not nearly as difficult as I feared. Baby Boy is rolling all over the place and getting into everything. He can sit himself up and he lunges forward on all fours -- crawling is imminent! I am a baby food chef once again and Baby Boy enjoys his real food very much. And he's talking a bit! He says mama, dada and hi. Sometimes as mere babble, but often in the correct context. He's blooming and it's a joy to watch.

Little Guy is growing too. He started preschool last month and loves loves loves it. When he started preschool we became aware that Little Guy wasn't talking as much as the other children his age. We had him evaluated by a speech therapist and it turns out he is a bit behind so now he goes to weekly speech therapy (I am reminded of the mother of a college roommate every time we go).

Little Guy is also mastering tricycles and the art of brothering. (For instance: Step 1, you help your baby brother sit up. Step 2, you push him over and laugh as he weeble wobbles onto his back. He laughs, too, because he's so happy you're "playing" with him. Step 3, you get a time out because Mommy is a killjoy.) He does sweet stuff, too. It so adorable to see him hugging and kissing on Baby Boy. And they look pretty darn cute in the bath together, where Little Guy helps wash Baby Boy with a wash cloth.

Little Guy is excited to show off his knowledge of colors, shapes, numbers, letters and many letter sounds. He sings to us Old MacDonald, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and the ABC song. He loves 2 obnoxiously loud toys that he got for Christmas. I'm seeing the merit of my stepmoms rule for childrens toys -- no toys that require batteries! He loves them so much though we hate to take them away. Hubby took one apart and muffled the speaker so it doesn't drive us quite so insane at least.

Our boys are truly remarkable. I thank my lucky stars for them everyday. And for Hubby, too, of course.

in which i pat myself on the back

Earlier this month Baby Boy turned 6 months old (already!) and this milestone marked the achievement of a goal that has been very important to me: 6 months of breastfeeding.

For 6 months I struggled struggled struggled. For most of that time I took literally 20 pills a day to combat low milk supply. I nursed on demand all the time to keep supply up. I pumped in between and on top of all those feedings. I still had to supplement every feeding with a small amount of formula, for most of that time just .5 - 1 ounces. That meant that after sitting down and nursing for 45 min I would go prepare a bottle and sit down to feed and burp him again.

People encouraged me gently (Hubby) and frequently (my mother) to give up. But it was important to me not to. There were times I wanted to quit and times when I questioned my own motives. I know without a doubt it would have been easier to just formula feed.

I wanted Baby Boy to have the almost innumerable benefits of breast milk. Foremost, I wanted him to have that extra edge towards good health. And that is the reason why I fought, and I fought hard. I kept going with my heart and mind set on making it to the 6 month mark. And I did!

Baby Boy has been nursing less and less well, often showing a clear preference for the bottle. I've stopped popping pills, I do not nurse at every feeding and I offer Baby Boy more formula. While I hope/plan to continue nursing to at least some extent through 9 months things are winding down and I will no longer break my back trying stop it.

It's not the way I wished it, but considering the circumstances 6 months of breastfeeding is an achievement. I reached the top of my mountain.

no doubt they're brothers

oldest son on left, youngest on right. the oldest has brown eyes and so far the youngest has blue eyes but they do look eerily alike!

the war, part II

Things are going better. I had a scare last week, thanks to the inaccuracy of my home scale. We were 3/4 of the way through my lactation consultant devised plan to cut formula out and although it was very stressful things seemed to be going swimmingly. Then I weighed my Baby Boy and FREAKED OUT. It was a long 2 days until I was able to get him weighed at the doctors office, but the news was good. I found out that the home scale sucks and Baby Boy is doing great.

I continue to take 20, yes 20, pills a day of prescription and herbal medicine just for improved lactation. I try try try to sit down and nurse Baby Boy at closer to the 2 hour mark than to the 3 as well as pumping 1-2 times a day. I admit that at times all of this seems a bit ridiculous, especially considering there's another child who needs time and attention as well.

But it's paying off and things are going better than ever. And now at nearly 3 months we are at the halfway point for combo feeding. However the next 3 months go my LC says that once we get to the 6 month mark solid foods can replace formula supplements.

I will probably continue to perform the "is this worth it?" evaluation as we go. In the meantime, I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other...

Greetings from the other side!

So now we are 4 not 3! We have our second son, henceforth Baby Boy. Baby Boy is healthy and handsome and I strongly hope to post his birth story...someday.

I am back in Newborn Land again. It is joyful and it is demanding...and it is a bit guilt ridden. Life sure has changed for Little Guy, and a drop off in my time and attention has been impossible to avoid. He copes pretty well most of the time but I feel horrible. I tell myself it won't always be this way. Newborn days don't last forever...there will someday again be more time for sleep, more time for Little Guy, more time for myself...someday. That knowledge has made for a big difference for me this time around.

Now at the 6 week mark, we are still figuring things out. If having a child is learning to juggle, having another is like throwing a several extra balls into your juggling act.

My days are lived in 3 hr cycles centered around baby feedings. We had breast feeding issues...again...but I'm hanging in there. Sometimes by just my claws. It's going much better than it did with Little Guy, but it's still a challenge.

I make sure both kids eat and keep them in clean diapers and clothes. I keep them safe and out of trouble, coax them into naps (sometimes with one of them kicking and screaming). I am getting better at getting dinner on the table most nights now, too, even if the meals aren't what you would call gourmet. I get the dishes done and the bottles with all their pieces (from formula supplementing) cleaned. Most days now I don't forget to make Hubby his pbj lunch and set the coffee to come on for him. Probably 3 out of 4 days I am able to get at least a quick shower, get dressed in street clothes, and get us all out to the park or to run an errand. It doesn't sound like much, but every single day I am unquestionably maxed out.

Having Hubby's help has been huge. I cannot imagine how I could do this if we were living apart half the week like when Little Guy was a newborn. He has risen to the challenge and picks up slack wherever he can.

I forgot how incredibly stressful it is when your baby is crying. But I also forgot how wonderful little babies smell. And how precious their little hands and feet are. I do love my Baby Boy so! And my Little Guy, too...I can't believe how big he's gotten lately. At first I thought it was just my faulty perspective after spending so much time with a little baby, but it's been confirmed by others. .

Well, I' m giving myself a gold star for being able to type this much while I nurse Baby Boy...but times up. gotta go!